Who Do I Have To Sleep With To Get Freshly Pressed?: 5 Press-Worthy Posts

Angry_man by Gallivanting Gai

Know this – I am a moralist.  Some describe me as a neo-Puritan (to my face – God only knows what they call me behind my back).

But I am also a pragmatist.  I like to understand how things work so I can get what I want.  I don’t like beating around the bush.  Some say life is a journey, not a destination.  Well, I’m not big on journeys.  Give me a Star Trek teleporter and I’m good to go.

I started this blog – originally called Will Write For Food (and maybe dental) in December of last year.  For fours months, I’ve been slaving daily over this laptop (sitting in my electric recliner, listening to John Prine radio on Spotify).  I’ve been cranking out stories and poems,  book reviews and cultural essays, engaging in writing exercises and linking to intriguing sites.  Sure, I’ve won my share of awards – the Inspiring Blogger, the ABC award, the Liebster (just to name a few).  I’ve received some helpful and favorable comments and been “liked” a great deal.

But….

Not once have I been Freshly Pressed.

So, I ask you – what does a guy have to do?

I mean, just consider these 5 particular posts (quoted below) –

On Becoming a Gay Brit

Why, just the idea of going to the local pub for a pint to cheer on a group of footballers who are really playing soccer and screaming “Bloody, Bloody, Bloody!” (without it really seeming like profanity) would be a thrilling way to spend an afternoon.

“Tantalizing Titles for Top-Selling Books”

Jonathon Livingston Seagull Contracts the Avian Flu

In his pursuit of perfection, Jonathon learns that even adorable fictitious seagulls are only human.  While living in a commune with a gaggle of positive-thinking bird lovers, Jonathon contracts the flu from a flock of chickens.  Within weeks, the community is decimated.  The chickens survive long enough to be made into McNuggets.

Cold War Carl and Democrat Don Diagnose the World’s Problems (Episode One: Mental Illness)

Carl:  Well, I’m just an ignorant Kentuckian with a 6th grade education, but if you ask me, the world has gotten too complicated.  What with all the technology.  People going here and going there.  All stressed out.  I think the Amish have the right idea.

Don:  I don’t know about that.  But it is true that with technology the way it is, the world has become a smaller place.  They’ve got videos set up everywhere.   Why, I’m sure they’re filming us here right now.

Carl:  You bet they are.  It’s the Russians.

Don:  It isn’t the Russians.  It’s the Republicans.

Tuna Fish Friday (a prompted poem)

Are you sure today isn’t Friday?”

We had meatloaf yesterday.

We have meatloaf on Thursdays.

And we had meatloaf yesterday

And Bingo.

We always play Bingo on Friday.

And we just played Bingo.

Are you sure today isn’t Friday?

I’m sure this is Friday.

I’m as sure as I’m sitting here.

I’m as sure as day is day.

And night is night.

Today is definitely Friday.

But this sure as hell isn’t tuna fish.

“My Top 10 Anti-Resolutions for 2013”

9.  I will not go to the Super Bowl, sit behind the goal post and wave a placard with ”Habbakuk 2:16b” on it.   { ”Now it is your turn! Drink and let your nakedness be exposed…”}.

8.  I will not personally disprove the Big Bang theory.

6.  I will not petition the Vatican to make folk singer John Prine a saint.  He has been divorced and remarried (at least once).  He is not Roman Catholic.  And neither am I.

3.  I will not comment on a blog post written by a woman grieving the sudden death of her husband by correcting her grammar. {“i (I)  m (am) so sad(.) he (He) wus (was)my life.}”   I will also not ask her out on a date.

So, who do I have to sleep with to be Freshly Pressed?  Those of you who have been there, how about you?

(image above “Angry man” from Gallivanting Gai)

19 thoughts on “Who Do I Have To Sleep With To Get Freshly Pressed?: 5 Press-Worthy Posts

  1. You never fail to either make me think, cry or laugh. This time you’ve made me laugh and go and read a couple of those posts of yours that I’ve missed 🙂

  2. I think it’s like fishing: You keep casting those well formulated syllables out into the foamy current and Bam! …a moody WordPress ambassador eventually strikes out of nowhere and you are FP’ed!

  3. I’ve been blogging on WordPress for two years and use to regularly participate in their weekly writing challenge (until it reminded me too much of taking freshman comp). Never once have I been Freshly Pressed, even when
    my essay was one of 30 that participated in a challenge where they featured five posts. It’s not that I thought my post was so much better than everybody else’s but I certainly thought it was of the same caliber and equal to some of those they selected. I decided that I’m just not what they are looking for. And I can’t change my style to fit their tastes; that just isn’t me.
    I probably had less than 30 followers for the first 6 to 9 months I was blogging but that number grew over time. I think I would rather have people who like visiting my blog to see what I’m posting, than have a couple hundred visitors on one day for one post. Keep plugging away at it!

    • Thanks for the encouraging words.

      Don’t get me wrong, I love to write for writing’s sake and appreciate the readers I do have (like you).

      At the same time, I want my freshly featured fame.

      Don’t worry, though I won’t sell my soul (or body) to get it.

      Thanks for the comment.

  4. Hi Tony, had to chip in on this one. I’m not sure how you get freshly pressed either – luck of the draw maybe? Look on the bright side – it’ll be a real downer having to answer all that fan-mail. You wouldn’t have as much time for blogging, and your readers who discovered you before your inevitable (eventually) “freshly pressed” fame would miss you.

    • If I get “Freshly Pressed”, Michael, I’ll get my blog corporately sponsored, hire someone to answer my fan mail, and continue to producing prodigious posts – with product placements, of course.

      And, I assure you, I will never forget all the “little people” like you who were fans before my fame.

  5. Sadly, since the WP editors have literally millions of blogs from which to pick and choose at whim, in my case winning the FP lottery boiled down to the simplest of things: I wrote about topics the editors just so happened to be actively seeking out. Nothing I tried to predict, nothing I could’ve possibly predicted, no conscious decision on my part to write in Oscar-bait mode. It’s capricious and unfair, objectively speaking.

    Maybe someday your turn will come anyway. 🙂

  6. I too, have wondered about “Freshly Pressed.”
    I’m ashamed to admit that I never use the iron anymore. I’ve used those steamer machines before, but they’re kind of slow. I tend to put wrinkled things in the dryer with a moist wash cloth.
    The wrinkles come out for the most part.

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